Shut up and eat your plankton
Eighteen months back, the Netflix show Chef’s Table featured this guy called Ángel León, a crazy genius who lives on a bog. Well, more of a marine wetland, where he grows, harvests and cooks a whole bunch of stuff that’s presumably covered in flamingo shit.
His restaurant, Aponiente, has earned three Michelin stars and a Repsol Sol to boot, and is difficult to get into (unless, perhaps, you own a hovercraft). His idea was simple: cook low-energy-intensive seafood. Sardines, by-catch, plankton. He makes charcuterie out of the bits of fish we don’t usually use but if we did it would be to try to catch a lobster.
With three Michelin stars comes a price tag to match, so it was a delight to learn that Snr. León had started a spinoff tavern, where plebs like us might feel more comfortable and indeed more likely to come. The Tavern of the Chef of the Sea is one train stop and a fifteen-minute mosey away from us, in the town of El Puerto de Santa Maria, the town from whence Columbus set sail on one of his historical voyages of questionable ethics.
We had booked a table for Jess’s birthday, though I’m told that when it’s quiet you could just walk right in, sit right down and let your mind roll on. We sat outside in a kind of hesitant sunshine that was most welcome after an unusual three months of wintery rain and long faces. Not being much like those YouTubers who, for the sake of content, order one of everything off the menu and then leave the leftovers for the flamingoes, we ordered our usual modest complement of three dishes – but dishes well considered, thanks to Jess’s research.
First, balls. You can’t eat anywhere in Spain without balls. These balls were a crispy pastry outer filled/slash/topped with a mixture of Spanish, Mexican and Indian flavoured seafood bisque, to be eaten in a single bite, which, if you’re Jess, simply isn’t possible and necessitates a dash to the bathroom to clean up a mess that looks not entirely unlike hot flamingo shit all over the shirt.
Next came a charcuterie plate invented to resemble classic Andalucían tapas but made of fish not pork. And finally the creation that put chef on the Netflix radar, plankton rice.
Each of the dishes was astonishing in its own right, in that it was an energy-efficient, low impact ‘copy’ of conventionally gourmet offerings. The balance of the balls sublime; the charcuterie a perfect mirror image of famous local butifarra and jamón; the rice with qualities and flavour found only in the finest lobster equivalent. (Made from plankton, don’t forget.) Each clearly took a long long time in the kitchen to perfect.
(It begs the question: What is sustainable food? Zooplankton and fish gizzard sure ain’t vegetarian, but if the reason you're vegetarian is a concern for sustainability then we have a conundrum to wrestle with.)
Expensive? By tapas standards yes, but with a couple of beers and two excellent local whites each onboard we came away only €75 lighter. Actually I think I also had a wedge while Jess was in the lavatory. To put you in the price-point picture, had we gone to a regular bar and ordered some croquetas, a small plate of chorizo and a ‘media’ of rice – and a similar volume to drink – we’d have been set back maybe €35.
Eating the inventions of Andalucía’s only three-starred chef you might count as priceless. This is an ultra affordable way into one of the world’s most unique culinary experiences. Ángel León and the people he’s trained are sharing with us something truly remarkable at a price that the average mug can afford, even if only on a special occasion.
The flamingo shit is free.
